It was a familiarity that even in adulthood, their youth seemed to play back and forth within themselves. No matter what happened, even when she was scared of a few women coming close to turning his head and she was scared of losing him she knew they would find each other. And yet, he had yet to move on, move past her and she didn't know if she reveled in it or worried about it. There was no new, lasting woman in his life, no nuptials, no children, no smiles and feelings directed at someone else. It was hard to figure if it was a sign, or simply the way he was.

Suffering with own mental limits that she had, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, social anxiety; there were far too many times it was easier for her to run away in thought and that would cause a panic on its own. Was he here because he wanted to? Was she somehow forcing him to? Was it because she had a history of mental instability that he stuck around? Was he her caretaker or was it out of genuine want to be there, to ride out the storm with her? Did he want to be the man that she knew she deserved? The comforter, the protector? Or was this all going with the motions? Was it a numb response to a childhood connection or was this real? She didn't know what real meant. It happened, they were close, this close. They did things but there was no direct title. There wasn't a tie, there were no going out and paying for meals, or flowers, not even celebrations of a year anniversary that had gone and passed. It certainly wasn't conventional, so naturally it had to be a complicated, or at least interwoven friendship that had its own path to follow and that meant nothing else to compare it to in order to give her clarity and a sense of security.

Then there was that night. That night she could remember as if it was her first time again. Back in high school there were nervous feelings, awkward movements, caution. But that first night she wouldn't forget it, just like she wouldn't forget that night. Even if it never happened again, she had never been with anyone else after him and that was after the age of eighteen when it all changed. She hadn't even thought about moving on, it just wasn't a thought in the front of her mind. But she had always gone to him and in drunken stupors she would dance around and flirt, just try to make him smile. She loved that smile, or even those looks he gave her when he thought she was hilariously insane. He was where she could go to be herself, a cosmic ball of ever changing energy like the ocean and she felt contained. She could lose herself and not fear waking up the next day and being a tsunami that obliterated everything in its wake. She had spent nights on his couch, or laying in bed next to him and awoken to the smell of coffee and bacon. Or him teasing her when he could see the bushy, untamed hair peeking from the covers and stirring slightly. But after that night, the morning after, the breakfast would always be different. It might have been her clinging to a sentiment, but it was more precious than it once was. It was like the first time all over again. She couldn't shake the memories or the feelings afterwards. But now they were adults and they had to maneuver within the confines of the adult world. The waters were much more complicated and trickier to master. Oh where to go from there? Of course it had to be maintained as normal. There were no ultimatums to be made. It would be taken for what it was. If it happened once, or more it remained to be seen but she knew she was going to show him that he was one of the few and most important people in her life.

She was going to do her best to keep her thoughts in check, even though she knew he could probably hear everything in her head. That connection was an odd one to get used to. They didn't even need to speak to each other. She could be within the same building on different floors, talking and doing different things and they would still know when the other was frustrated, or happy, or whatever feeling at that moment might have been. It was odd, it was slightly invasive but it was also reassuring. Tonight was a date for her, whatever it was for him remained to be seen. She made plans with him. She was going over to comfortably spend time with him in comfortable clothes, no dressing up, just relaxed, just the two of them. Alone behind closed doors. It was a precious thing to her, them. The word us held such a powerful notion to her entire being. They were going to watch movies and she was staying over.

She had no preconceived notions of how the night would unfold but she was always willing to accept whatever can and would, or might come that night. She did shave above the knee just in case it went in a favorable way though. Going to the liquor store she grabbed two of her favorite bottles of wine and grabbed an whiskey aged twenty-one years for him and was heading to his place. It wasn't that late, there were still people on the streets, they were supposed to eat dinner too. However the night took a much different turn. It was a flash. One moment she was balancing the bottles in a bag she had over her shoulder while she texted him she was on her way. Telling herself she didn't need to text him he could hear her thoughts, then reminding herself he could hear her talking to herself in that moment. Then she told him to shut up and stop laughing at her in her head. But within a moment those bottles she was caring for came crashing down onto the concrete below her feet and the last thing she heard was the smashing of the bottles. Her mind turning off.